Yesterday was one of them. You know the ones I am talking about.
The days where nothing goes the way you want it to. Nothing you were planning to do or accomplish gets done, all of your plans fall through or don't work out, all this stuff just gets in the way of where you intended to go. And it feels really crappy. And maybe you end up crying a little in your car, by yourself, because you are overwhelmed by how much you feel like you are failing at everything and maybe you are now single again, and maybe this had not been the plan. And you just feel really alone.
But then, something wonderful happened. All my girlfriends came over for dinner, in what turned out to be a serendipitously pre-arranged plan. And it is always so, so good to get together. But later on, after almost everyone had left, I had a moment where I just let myself feel what I was feeling and then be honest about it to someone else. And that someone else swooped in and picked me right up, and let me know that I am loved, despite how I may feel from time to time, in those lonely moments when things just don't seem that great.
And that never would have happened if the whole entire day up until that point hadn't been sorta really shitty and hadn't left me feeling pretty vulnerable. And I would never have had that moment of profound gratitude that my friend gave me right when I needed it most.
And then another something wonderful happened. I did something brave. I went out on a limb, I acted on an impulse. And I was almost immediately rewarded for it. I was up late; way too late for having clinic this morning, but I just hung onto that crappy day until the good way outweighed the bad.
|Leftover chocolate ganache pie from Southern Sweets Bakery - this was something wonderful too.|
Randomly, I happened to read this today and damned if I didn't recognize a whole lot of myself in it - it was just the reminder I needed to take a deep breath and enjoy right now, right where I am (and just to be very clear, I have never thought I would die if I weren't married by 30. I still don't. I did, however, sort of assumed that I would be... and it's taken some adjusting to the idea that I won't.)
And then I read this, from my sister: a promise of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and breathless expectancy. I love every word of this.
So, on this last night in April, which gives me exactly nine months left before the big 3-0, I am putting up this 30 Before 30 list, a very short-term bucket list of sorts, goals to aim for, ways I am going to pack as much life into my twenties as I possibly can during the last months of the decade. That works out to about one cool thing a week until my birthday.
The list isn't finished yet... so help me out!! I am up for most anything, although keep in mind I do have a bit of a time commitment between now and then (most of third year of medical school.) Seriously, send me your suggestions - I would love to hear them. Yes, some of the items on the list are already checked off because I did them recently. What?? It's my list, so I make the rules. :)
|Romantic time with myself. :)|
Final thought for the night: I am listening to Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott's book on writing, on audiobook during my considerable commute these days, and in one of the first chapters she says something very lovely about writing that applies just as well to every other part of life, too. I am paraphrasing, but what she says, essentially, is that we should treat ourselves like a dear friend, and we should learn to be good, compassionate company for ourselves, as if we were someone we were fond of and wished to encourage. Good advice, I think.